The experience has had its pluses and minuses. I have missed my friends quite a bit this year, perhaps more so than I thought I would. I had planned our meeting time with care. Not too early on so that I would have had plenty of solo experiences before seeing them, and not too late so that it wouldn´t feel like the beginning of the end.
However, I had not realized just how much of home would be coming with them. In the past eight months, home has been something I could choose to deal with or push aside quite easily. That has been the benefit of traveling alone. Even when I met up with my mother for a short visit in June it was not like having all my responsibilities laid before me.
With my friends here I feel myself slipping into thoughts about work, relationships, life balance, etc. All the notions I choose to get away from this year so I could get a clearer perspective or simply reboot my ideas all together. These topics are not foreign to me this year, but I have not had to face them so directly like I have these past weeks. My friends certainly did not set out to bring this extra baggage with them. I suppose it was inevitable.
I knew my thinking and outlook would change over the year. How could it not. I didn´t plan to work on anything specifically, but hoped that many of my beliefs would be examined and tested in new light. What I have found in the past weeks is that my tolerance for many everyday things is different. I am not as caught up with constantly evaluating things. I don´t set expectations as much or as high. This then allows me to enjoy what is before me for what it is, far more than what I expected it to be. This is a big break through for me. As many of you know, I have lived by set standards and established expectations most of my life. I needed to experience something in my mind before setting out in real life. Now, I find I am more likely to just show up and experience what is on offer; good, bad or otherwise. It makes for far less anxiety and stressed.
There is a downfall to this though. I do find it hard to keep up with people who do experience great excitement or disappointment. I can´t seem to match their enthusiasm and therefore I think I come off seeming blase about everything. Which is not the case. I still do experience highs and lows, but just not in the giant pendulum swing I did before. I need to work on expressing my experiences now that I don´t have the springboard of expectation to work from.
Another change I have noticed is that I not longer see life as black and white as before, especially when it comes to other people. Don´t get me wrong, there are still many fundamental truths I believe in, but the grey shades are more pronounced. Before I would hold fast to my truths no matter the circumstance. Now I think I am more open to interpretation depending on the situation. This is harder to adjust to. Life was simple when there was one set of rules applied to everything. But given what I have seen and experienced across such a variety of populations, it is hard to hold fast to rules than are born from only my history. I am no Zen master - I still get annoyed when someone screws with my plans, but instead of only thinking of them as an idiot I try to understand where they are in their life and how their actions are designed (that´s usually when I realize they weren´t scheming to make my life miserable) . I still have a long way to go
with opening up my perspectives, but I feel like I have made a chink in the fortress.
I have no idea whether these changes, and others, will remain with me once I return home. Hopefully the evolution of Allyson will continue. Until then I will keep trying to experience all that I can. Clearly this year of adventures has made its mark on me. Let´s hope I am recognizable enough to those back home.
As for my friends visit, it has been a highlight for sure. It wasn´t everything I expected (can´t give up all levels of expectations), but it was what I needed. Love, support, hard realizations and laughs that only your close friends can provide. Thanks Celia, Katheryn, Stuart and Manish. I love you all more than you know or I could ever express.
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